FeralBlog

Part 3 in our continuing series on “How to Not Get A Job”, I got this gem of a cover letter from Ryan this morning:

<tt>DEAR SIR/MADDAM
<br />
<br />
THE PURPOSE OF THIS LETTER IS TO INFORM YOU ABOUT ME. AND HOW I FEEL I AM
THE BEST PERSON FOR THE JOB.
<br /><br />
I FEEL I AM THE BEST CANDIDATE.BECAUSE, I AM PROFICENT IN THE FOLLOWING,
INBOUND, OUTBOUND CALLCENTER, SALES ASSOCIATE, RETAIL, CUSTOMER SERVICE,
INVENTORY, FILING, WAITRESSING, HANDELING FOOD ORDERS, STORE GREETING, TWO
YEARS OF COLLECTION EXPERIENCE, EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS, TELEPHONE
SWITCH BOARD OPERATOR, PICKING, PACKING, SURVEYS, AND ALSO CASHIER WORK.
<br /><br />
I HAVE BEEN DOING CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR OVER FIVE YEARS. THE CUSTOMERS LOOK
FORWARD TO WHEN I AM THERE BECAUSE OF MY WARM SMILE. AND MY FRIENDLY
ATTITUDE.
<br /><br />
MY EMPLOYERS LOVE MY WORK ALSO. I HAVE NEVER BEEN COACHED FOR LATENESS,
ABSENTNESS, STEALING ETC.
<br /><br />
I WILL EXPLAIN WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR YOUR COMPANY WHEN WE MEET. AND I'LL
DEMONSTATE TO YOU HOW YOU CAN PUT MY SUCESSFUL EXPERIENCE TO WORK FOR FUTURE
GROWTH.
<br /><br />
SO IN CLOSING OF THIS LETTER.I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO DISCUSSING THE POSITION
WITH YOU. I CAN BE REACHED DURING THE DAY AT (215)XXX-XXXX
<br /><br />
SINCERLY YOURS
</tt>

(Thanks to my sis for the heads-up)

This just showed up in my Hotmail account:

“Increase the size of your mangina!”

Fantastic.

In “honor” of Ah-nold’s victory in Galifornia, I invite you to make up some fresh political statements at The Arnold Achwarzenegger Sound Board.

Pat told me while I was waiting in line for my salad about the exchange he had with his lovely wife this weekend.

Pat: What’s that you’re reading?
Lisa: It’s a cookbook.
Pat: What’s it called?
Lisa: It’s called How To Cook Everything.
Pat: But I’m not that hungry.

I already linked to it on the side, but here it is again:

The badger mushroom snake song

It reminds me of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. In that book, among all the tennis, recovering alcoholics and 200+ pages of endnotes, there is a plot thread about a mysterious videotape that as soon as someone starts watching it, they’re unable to stop. They just keep watching it over and over again until they die with the VCR remote in their hands, dead of exhaustion or starvation.[1] That’s what I imagine happens with this song… they’re just going to find my skeleton in front of the computer.

Pat says, “It’s the new ‘Where’d the cheese go?’”.

badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger muuuuushroooom mushrooooooom!

Update: The Accordion Guy has finally found the love!

¹ I don’t actually know if you ever find out what’s on the tape…. I got to about page 800 of 1100(!) and threw up my hands and quit.

More Bad Idea Jeans... got this email from a buddy of mine yesterday. Names changed to protect the innocent.

bq.. Hey Matt,

You’ve gotta see what this complete dumb-fuck headhunter did. I’m actually not looking for a job right now, but always respond to them with a high salary requirement to see what bites. Anyway, one day a dork named Gil calls me and asks for my resume/salary requirements. The next day his partner Bob leaves a message on my voicemail. So I email Gil to let him know that Bob called. This is what I got in my email. The shithead Gil sent me an email
intended for Bob. What an idiot.

Take it easy!

Bud
———-

Bob

I left you a voice mail on this also. I am still working on figuring out how to not have people fall between the cracks. Anyway here is an update on a few guys. I am going to review all candidates/names tomorrow to see what I might have missed. Also, let me know if there are any names you can think of that we have somehow not completed.

You gave me four names via phone last week.

Bud [Ed. My friend] (see following email) sent me his resume. He said he was making $xx,xxx as a salary. Hard to believe with his background but because of that I never bothered to call him. He has the correct background for PPS but only if his costs are in line. I do not want to talk with him if he wants way more than Jay Pan can pay. Let me know what you would like me to do.

Scott W., just took a job and is not interested.

Rich G. is the guy who said he wants to get out of programming and back into networking. Did not seem too sharp. Has a one year diploma from a tech school.

Steve C. His number 724-555-1212 was disconnected.

Gil

My buddy sent the message back to him saying “I think you meant to send this to Bob.” What a jackhole.

Went out for a quick little after-work bike ride Monday night… a 20-mile jaunt down through town and back. While riding down the main drag in Squirrel Hill, I was stopped at a light. The light going the other way turned green, and a cute little old black man, replete in a slightly worn suit and a beret started to cross the street. A young guy turning left nearly hit the man, and then sped off. The man was so incensed, that he actually yelled “Crazy Cracka!” at the departing car. I was dumbfounded; I thought that sort of thing only happend in blacksploitation movies.

Even more resume emails (FeralBlog – Idiocy (or, how not to get a job)) from people wearing Bad Idea Jeans.

Girlove2002@BigISP.com
sassyc3979@BigISP.com
dammyo@BigSearchPortal.com
Chocolatekissis2@BigISP.com
Kissy2663@BigISP.com
Divadre01@BigISP.com
coccobunnie215@BigISP.com

My favorite entry from Fark “kitty translator” Photoshop contest.