FeralBlog » Humor

Whoa!

mattcomroe — Wed, 31 Aug 2005 15:50:32 +0000

Everyone’s favorite satrirical paper, The Onion has redesigned. Way more importantly, you can now access their archives all the way back to 1996! Follow Herbert Kornfeld from his earliest adventures!

The Seven Gummie Sins: Envy

mattcomroe — Tue, 03 May 2005 22:37:31 +0000

.flickr-photo { border: solid 2px #000000; }
.flickr-yourcomment { }
.flickr-frame { text-align: left; padding: 3px; }
.flickr-caption { font-size: 0.8em; margin-top: 0px; }

The Seven Gummie Sins: Envy, originally uploaded by Wiedmaier.

Hahahaha!

mattcomroe — Fri, 29 Apr 2005 05:29:08 +0000

Want to see someone about ready to have their brain explode? Go read this thread, especially all of jwz’s subesquent comments.

Make your own tombstone

mattcomroe — Wed, 11 Aug 2004 15:22:09 +0000

Feral employees

mattcomroe — Tue, 20 Jul 2004 15:42:36 +0000

Finally! We feral employees are getting our props! Hopefully this will play out during the week.

One elevator, please

mattcomroe — Wed, 26 May 2004 15:39:06 +0000

While out with friends the other night, I wondered aloud what a Leaving Las Vegas drinking game might be like. Drink every time you see a bottle? Drink every time Nick Cage is drunk? No matter what, I’m sure it would be harsh.

This week’s Onion

mattcomroe — Wed, 21 Apr 2004 20:43:55 +0000

The Onion this week has some of the funnier throwaway headlines I’ve seen them have in quite some time:

Cheney Wows Sept. 11 Commission By Drinking Glass Of Water While Bush Speaks
Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

New AnTiVo DVR Only Records Shows It Knows You Hate
Hahahaha! Great stuff. The Onion and The Daily Show continue to be some of the sharpest political satire around.

Beat it!

mattcomroe — Thu, 18 Mar 2004 05:36:11 +0000

Fed up with your imaginary internet girlfriend? Dump her ass without getting your hands dirty!

Fun movie links

mattcomroe — Fri, 06 Feb 2004 16:39:59 +0000

You’re the man now, dog.com
~~I find your lack of faith disturbing.net~~
It’s a trap.net
~~You have failed me for the last time.com~~

All links found at Andre Torrez’s fantastic site.

From the ‘What the fuck?’ file

mattcomroe — Thu, 08 Jan 2004 21:48:43 +0000

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins, featuring Leonard Nimoy.

Found via Edith Frost → Wedding-crashing dancer

More job-hunting tips.

mattcomroe — Tue, 09 Dec 2003 16:59:31 +0000

Part 3 in our continuing series on “How to Not Get A Job”, I got this gem of a cover letter from Ryan this morning:

<tt>DEAR SIR/MADDAM
 
 
THE PURPOSE OF THIS LETTER IS TO INFORM YOU ABOUT ME. AND HOW I FEEL I AM
THE BEST PERSON FOR THE JOB.
 
I FEEL I AM THE BEST CANDIDATE.BECAUSE, I AM PROFICENT IN THE FOLLOWING,
INBOUND, OUTBOUND CALLCENTER, SALES ASSOCIATE, RETAIL, CUSTOMER SERVICE,
INVENTORY, FILING, WAITRESSING, HANDELING FOOD ORDERS, STORE GREETING, TWO
YEARS OF COLLECTION EXPERIENCE, EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION SKILLS, TELEPHONE
SWITCH BOARD OPERATOR, PICKING, PACKING, SURVEYS, AND ALSO CASHIER WORK.
 
I HAVE BEEN DOING CUSTOMER SERVICE FOR OVER FIVE YEARS. THE CUSTOMERS LOOK
FORWARD TO WHEN I AM THERE BECAUSE OF MY WARM SMILE. AND MY FRIENDLY
ATTITUDE.
 
MY EMPLOYERS LOVE MY WORK ALSO. I HAVE NEVER BEEN COACHED FOR LATENESS,
ABSENTNESS, STEALING ETC.
 
I WILL EXPLAIN WHY I WANT TO WORK FOR YOUR COMPANY WHEN WE MEET. AND I'LL
DEMONSTATE TO YOU HOW YOU CAN PUT MY SUCESSFUL EXPERIENCE TO WORK FOR FUTURE
GROWTH.
 
SO IN CLOSING OF THIS LETTER.I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO DISCUSSING THE POSITION
WITH YOU. I CAN BE REACHED DURING THE DAY AT (215)XXX-XXXX
 
SINCERLY YOURS
</tt>

Being from both Pittsburgh and NJ, this tickled me

mattcomroe — Mon, 17 Nov 2003 18:47:41 +0000

(Thanks to my sis for the heads-up)

Awesome spam subject line

mattcomroe — Fri, 24 Oct 2003 05:55:40 +0000

This just showed up in my Hotmail account:

“Increase the size of your mangina!”

Fantastic.

“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?”

mattcomroe — Wed, 08 Oct 2003 17:34:51 +0000

In “honor” of Ah-nold’s victory in Galifornia, I invite you to make up some fresh political statements at The Arnold Achwarzenegger Sound Board.

Lunchtime conversation.

mattcomroe — Mon, 22 Sep 2003 23:04:24 +0000

Pat told me while I was waiting in line for my salad about the exchange he had with his lovely wife this weekend.

Pat: What’s that you’re reading?
Lisa: It’s a cookbook.
Pat: What’s it called?
Lisa: It’s called How To Cook Everything.
Pat: But I’m not that hungry.

Get out of my head!!!!!

mattcomroe — Fri, 12 Sep 2003 15:49:48 +0000

I already linked to it on the side, but here it is again:

The badger mushroom snake song

It reminds me of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. In that book, among all the tennis, recovering alcoholics and 200+ pages of endnotes, there is a plot thread about a mysterious videotape that as soon as someone starts watching it, they’re unable to stop. They just keep watching it over and over again until they die with the VCR remote in their hands, dead of exhaustion or starvation.[1] That’s what I imagine happens with this song… they’re just going to find my skeleton in front of the computer.

Pat says, “It’s the new ‘Where’d the cheese go?’”.

badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger muuuuushroooom mushrooooooom!

Update: The Accordion Guy has finally found the love!

¹ I don’t actually know if you ever find out what’s on the tape…. I got to about page 800 of 1100(!) and threw up my hands and quit.

More Job-hunting madness.

mattcomroe — Thu, 14 Aug 2003 18:51:44 +0000

More Bad Idea Jeans... got this email from a buddy of mine yesterday. Names changed to protect the innocent.

bq.. Hey Matt,

You’ve gotta see what this complete dumb-fuck headhunter did. I’m actually not looking for a job right now, but always respond to them with a high salary requirement to see what bites. Anyway, one day a dork named Gil calls me and asks for my resume/salary requirements. The next day his partner Bob leaves a message on my voicemail. So I email Gil to let him know that Bob called. This is what I got in my email. The shithead Gil sent me an email
intended for Bob. What an idiot.

Take it easy!

Bud
———-

Bob

I left you a voice mail on this also. I am still working on figuring out how to not have people fall between the cracks. Anyway here is an update on a few guys. I am going to review all candidates/names tomorrow to see what I might have missed. Also, let me know if there are any names you can think of that we have somehow not completed.

You gave me four names via phone last week.

Bud [Ed. My friend] (see following email) sent me his resume. He said he was making $xx,xxx as a salary. Hard to believe with his background but because of that I never bothered to call him. He has the correct background for PPS but only if his costs are in line. I do not want to talk with him if he wants way more than Jay Pan can pay. Let me know what you would like me to do.

Scott W., just took a job and is not interested.

Rich G. is the guy who said he wants to get out of programming and back into networking. Did not seem too sharp. Has a one year diploma from a tech school.

Steve C. His number 724-555-1212 was disconnected.

Gil

My buddy sent the message back to him saying “I think you meant to send this to Bob.” What a jackhole.

Road rizzage

mattcomroe — Wed, 13 Aug 2003 18:59:52 +0000

Went out for a quick little after-work bike ride Monday night… a 20-mile jaunt down through town and back. While riding down the main drag in Squirrel Hill, I was stopped at a light. The light going the other way turned green, and a cute little old black man, replete in a slightly worn suit and a beret started to cross the street. A young guy turning left nearly hit the man, and then sped off. The man was so incensed, that he actually yelled “Crazy Cracka!” at the departing car. I was dumbfounded; I thought that sort of thing only happend in blacksploitation movies.

More job-hunting stupidity

mattcomroe — Fri, 01 Aug 2003 15:58:10 +0000

Even more resume emails (FeralBlog – Idiocy (or, how not to get a job)) from people wearing Bad Idea Jeans.

Girlove2002@BigISP.com
sassyc3979@BigISP.com
dammyo@BigSearchPortal.com
Chocolatekissis2@BigISP.com
Kissy2663@BigISP.com
Divadre01@BigISP.com
coccobunnie215@BigISP.com

Cat Translator

mattcomroe — Wed, 23 Jul 2003 18:03:35 +0000

My favorite entry from Fark “kitty translator” Photoshop contest.

Idiocy (or, how not to get a job)

mattcomroe — Tue, 22 Jul 2003 16:54:00 +0000

Ryan has worked as a recruiter for much of his professional life. So, he’s seen a lot of resumes. He’s also seen a lot of resumes written by people wearing bad idea jeans. A few weeks ago he sent me a resume in Word doc format that had “sparkly” text. Like blinking and shimmering sort of. Some engineer at Microsoft thought it was a good idea to put that in (sort of like the ill-fated tag for ~~Netscape~~ ~~AOL~~ Mozilla), and worse still, someone else thought it would be a great idea to highlight text in his resume using it.

Even better was the list of email addresses he sent me today. These were pulled off of the tops of resumes he’s gotten recently.

DEEPDIMPLES526@BigISP.com
chocolatedelight204@BigSearchPortal.com
SPHILASCOOTE@BigISP.com
Datgirluwanb@BigSearchPortal.com

People, you can open up a free account at Yahoo/Hotmail/etc. with your full name. Did I mention it’s free?

West Virginia, cultural wasteland?

mattcomroe — Thu, 26 Jun 2003 20:43:23 +0000

I’m enjoying going through the Photoshop contest entries on Fark to “design the WV state quarter”. Then I went and had a look at the source images they were using. It strikes me as sort of odd that 3 of the 5 final possible designs are of the New River Gorge Bridge/Bridge Day. Is WV so devoid of any other landmarks or notable qualities? I would think that even New Jersey came up with more than 5 different shots of Washington crossing the Deleware river.

I Heart my SUV

mattcomroe — Tue, 17 Jun 2003 23:19:08 +0000

Somebody finally put their Hummer to good use.

Wanna cyber?

mattcomroe — Mon, 09 Jun 2003 16:11:35 +0000

This thread has to be some of the funniest shit I’ve seen in awhile.

Judge Says Nizzle-Shizzling Not an Offense

mattcomroe — Fri, 06 Jun 2003 18:38:49 +0000

Whew! Thank goodness.

Yahoo! story

Which OS are you?

mattcomroe — Mon, 02 Jun 2003 21:05:37 +0000

Which OS(Operating System) are You?

Fun Links

mattcomroe — Thu, 29 May 2003 17:28:04 +0000

Here’s some various fun/interesting things that I’ve found lately.

MeFi → Doggie Pr0n
Kottke → Kottke Stalker
Zeldman → Kalsey’s Buttonmaker → Valid Subversion
Fark → Commercial Nostalgia (“I always wondered where my mandibula was”)
Defective Yeti → Know thyself
Gawker → The next NYT scandal
More to come…

We are legion.

mattcomroe — Mon, 21 Apr 2003 17:14:26 +0000

I’m sure there’s a logical explaination for it (like I’m a total idiot or something), but it sure seems like for right now Anil and Jason are the same person:

From Anil:

I’m off to SF for O’Reilly Emerging Technology Conference on Tuesday. I’m going against the grain this year by taking my laptop along, “blogging” in “realtime”, and taking digital photos of people. If there’s a box, I am out of it. If you’re attending as well, stop by and say hello…I’ll be the guy with the laptop and digital camera.

and from Jason:

I’m off to SF for O’Reilly Emerging Tech Conference on Tuesday. I’m going against the grain this year by taking my iBook along, “blogging” in “realtime”, and taking digital photos of people. If there’s a box, I am out of it. If you’re attending as well, stop by and say hello…I’ll be the guy with the iBook and digital camera.

I think that if I was going to Etech I’d see two identical guys sitting there with identical laptops and digital cameras.

A Special Easter Message

mattcomroe — Sun, 20 Apr 2003 00:49:51 +0000

I couldn’t resist. This was on the way back from my job, and I had to pull over and take a picture of it.

All things feral

mattcomroe — Tue, 25 Mar 2003 20:36:21 +0000

Because I don’t like to pass up anything with a “feral” reference… from today’s Non Sequitur:

Tip o’ the hat to Pat for finding it.

Is it da shoes?

mattcomroe — Tue, 11 Mar 2003 15:51:59 +0000

Here are some (supposedly) real Puma ads running in Maxim of Brazil. First ad and Second ad. (Links definitely Not Safe For Work^™)
Gawker → AdRants → Ad-Rag.

update: ok, so they really are fake.

Ween does Pizza Hut jingle.

mattcomroe — Fri, 28 Feb 2003 20:58:15 +0000

I know that the whole thing is probably old hat at this point, but Pat brought it to my attention this morning, and now I just can’t get the song out of my head:

“Where’d the muthafuckin’ cheese go at? I don’t know.”

J-Lo who???

mattcomroe — Wed, 26 Feb 2003 21:04:12 +0000

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

mattcomroe — Wed, 12 Feb 2003 18:47:16 +0000

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. “It was kind of horrible,” said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. “People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere.” The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.

Original Onion Article

“dude, you’re gettin’ a cell!”

mattcomroe — Mon, 10 Feb 2003 21:18:42 +0000

“Steve” the Dell Dude busted for pot posession.

Got Horny?

mattcomroe — Thu, 16 Jan 2003 15:46:30 +0000

on the bus this morning, i saw over a woman’s shoulder the title of the magazine article she was reading, “glamour’s foods for a hornier you.” i’m speechless.

Kournikova Says She Doesn’t Have a Tattoo (of something other than the sexiest man alive)

mattcomroe — Tue, 14 Jan 2003 16:11:45 +0000

Photo Credit: Pat Kent Photo Manipulation, Inc.

MELBOURNE, Australia (Reuters) – Anna Kournikova has settled one of the debates at this year’s Australian Open—the fabled tattoo on her back does exist.

Speculation has been rife after Kournikova was photographed with a large plaster on her back just above the waistband of her skirt.

But laughing at reports the plaster was to cover up the name of a boyfriend or some body art, the blonde Russian said: “I don’t think I have anything on my body, no. Nothing except a picture of the world’s sexiest man, with whom I have been in love for the last 3 years.”

“It is a heat patch … I have had chronic back pain and it is a heat patch I have worn for some years. His face being there makes me so hot that any sort of muscle pain that I have just melts away; like my heart melts whenever I see this stud of a man.”

“My skirt is a little lower this year which is why you can now see it. Also, I want to say that I am not ashamed. J-Lo is a stupid crotch, and the next time I see her in a restaurant with my man, I won’t pretend to not know him. Do you hear me, Matt? She cannot carry 40 pounds of sod on back like I can! What has she promised you, toilet paper without 3 year wait? Don’t turn my heart into pre-1989 Berlin. You can’t deny our looooooooooove!!!!”

Neither Jennifer Lopez or the slf could be reached for comment.

lowbrow (or, not elevating the level of discourse)

mattcomroe — Wed, 08 Jan 2003 22:58:36 +0000

well, don’t i feel like a classless mouth-breather; my friends are having a very high-level discussion about bush’s new tax plan, weighing pros and cons, and here i am talking about joe millionaire. blech. ok, i’ll just drag out a few simpsons quotes relating to taxes:

Homer: Woo-hoo! A perfect day. Zero bears and one big fat hairy paycheck.
[opens it up]
Hey! How come my pay is so low? ... Bear patrol tax! This is an outrage! It’s the biggest tax increase in history!
Lisa: Actually, Dad, it’s the smallest tax increase in history.
Homer: Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax.
Lisa: That’s home-_owner_ tax.
Homer: Well, anyway, I’m still outraged.—“much apu about nothing”

Todd: Daddy, what do taxes pay for?
Ned: Oh, why, everything! Policemen, trees, sunshine! And lets not forget the folks who just don’t feel like working, God bless ‘em!

New jwz stories

mattcomroe — Mon, 06 Jan 2003 23:24:41 +0000

joy!

my very favorite disgruntled hax0r jwz has a bunch of new stories up.

translators (or, what’s mah muthafuckin’ name, beeotch?)

mattcomroe — Fri, 20 Dec 2002 15:23:13 +0000

thanks to abbi, i found the shizzolator this morning. running my page through was quite amusing. favorite line? talking about programming my new site in “.nizzle”.

more translators here.

New Site. J-Lo Loves Matt

mattcomroe — Mon, 25 Nov 2002 21:53:08 +0000

ok, i’m back. reunion rocked, all the dns should be moved over (still having a small issue getting my email with a pop3 client, but that’s a minor thing. check out what pat made me!!!

duhiamanidiot.com

mattcomroe — Fri, 13 Sep 2002 17:12:09 +0000

i found out yesterday, after a discussion not worth going into here, that the domain “duhiamanidiot.com” is available. i’m really thinking about spending the $35 just for the cachet of such a name.

logo theft.

mattcomroe — Thu, 05 Sep 2002 22:55:09 +0000

logo theft.

FeralBlog » Humor

Whoa!

The Seven Gummie Sins: Envy

Hahahaha!

Make your own tombstone

Feral employees

One elevator, please

This week’s Onion

Beat it!

Fun movie links

From the ‘What the fuck?’ file

More job-hunting tips.

Being from both Pittsburgh and NJ, this tickled me

Awesome spam subject line

“Who is your daddy, and what does he do?”

Lunchtime conversation.

Get out of my head!!!!!

More Job-hunting madness.

Road rizzage

More job-hunting stupidity

Cat Translator

Idiocy (or, how not to get a job)

West Virginia, cultural wasteland?

I *Heart* my SUV

Wanna cyber?

Judge Says Nizzle-Shizzling Not an Offense

Which OS are you?

Fun Links

We are legion.

A Special Easter Message

All things feral

Is it da shoes?

Ween does Pizza Hut jingle.

J-Lo who???

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

“dude, you’re gettin’ a cell!”

Got Horny?

Kournikova Says She Doesn’t Have a Tattoo (of something other than the sexiest man alive)

lowbrow (or, *not* elevating the level of discourse)

New jwz stories

translators (or, what’s mah muthafuckin’ name, beeotch?)

New Site. J-Lo Loves Matt

duhiamanidiot.com

logo theft.

I Heart my SUV

lowbrow (or, not elevating the level of discourse)