alligator bark, originally uploaded by feralboy.

tree graffiti, originally uploaded by feralboy.

A big wet kiss to anyone who gets the obscure pop culture reference in the title. The Feral Marketing Department is excluded because it would be way too easy.

While my skim milk was steaming I headed over to the bakery section of the store itself, with nothing but a Boston Creme donut on my mind. At first I didn’t see them. Then I saw what I could have sworn was a Boston, but it was a Danish cleverly hidden under a layer of chocolate frosting. Grrr. No Boston Cremes to be had. Ok, no problem. They have éclairs. I grabbed one, swung by to get my drink, paid my $.45 for my baked good and left.

Back at my desk, database update script chugging along, and time to take a bite out of my breakfast. First bite, no creme. Ok, fine. They must have injected it in the other end. Second bite. Hmm… something is wrong here. Perhaps I should have noticed then how decidedly light my éclair was. I get about halfway in and come to the sad realization that this morning, there will be no creme. Now, what sick bastard would go around making a donut-like pastry that looks like an elongated Boston Creme but is only a hollow shell of what a real donut should be?

Here’s the conversation I immediately had with the Feral Marketing Department:

[08:03:08] FMD: who makes an éclair without cream?
[08:03:12] FMD: commies, that’s who.
[08:03:22] Matt: filthy reds
[08:03:29] FMD: ferreals
[08:03:34] Matt: of course there were no boston creme donuts
[08:03:39] Matt: those were the first choice
[08:03:59] FMD: fucking donut nazis.
[08:04:08] Matt: “no creme for you!”
[08:04:21] Matt: i’m not gonna even eat the last third
[08:04:25] Matt: that’s my political protest
[08:04:30] Matt: in fact, i just may blog about it.
[08:04:38] FMD: you should
[08:04:45] FMD: that’s why you have a blog, after all.

Amen, brother. Amen.

feral munch, originally uploaded by feralboy.

Once again, Pat comes up big. Sourced from here.

Thanks, Pat! Thanks for nothing!

Boss,

Umm, we had some problems with communications from here at the head
office out to the satellite office in Athens. As you know, I thought
the Olympics would be a very opportune time to increase traffic to the
site, but what with the budget cuts to support your poker habit, we
had to sub contract the work off shore. Consequently, there was
apparently a bit of a miscommunication. I told them I wanted Desmond
Tutu to show up as a goodwill ambassador of sorts for feralboy. As you
can see, they did at least get the tutu part right. But hey – any
press is good press, right?

We’ll try to avoid these mistakes in the future.

Sincerely,
Feral Marketing

I figured I should do some adventuring before I head out west, right?

Based on this story.

_Thanks to Pat for scoring two awesome Photoshops in a row!_

_Once again, Pat comes up huge._

Britney Spears really needs to start learning from her mistakes, especially when the results are permanent.

Husbands can be erased easily enough but tattoos are much harder to remove – and the singer has messed up yet another of hers.

The 22-year-old has had a series of Hebrew symbols etched into the back of her neck in an act of devotion to Kabbalah, the mystical form of Judaism she was introduced to by Madonna.

But unfortunately for her they are absolute gibberish.

Says a source: “She had hoped it would say new year or new era. It seems she’s got the words the wrong way round.”

(Story continues here)

Thank you, Pat!

Source images are here and here.

Thanks and apologies to Matthew Baldwin.

Photoshop job, as always, by Pat.

-and-

Feralboy.com supports your right to be naked in public.

For Immediate Release

Pittsburgh, PA—December 11, 2003—Feralboy.com, announced today that it has been acquired in a takeover bid from Microsoft valued at nearly a billion dollars in old newspapers and pets.com stock.

Feralboy.com founder, CEO, CTO, CFO, EVP, and all-around swell guy Matt Comroe expressed great satisfaction with the terms of the buyout when reached in his local office’s restroom.

“Oh, no… you guys again? Every time I just want to just blast out a dook, you are in here asking me inane questions about things that haven’t happened. Don’t you have a life? Don’t you have family or a girlfriend or something? Why me? Why me?”.

William H. Gates III, founder and chairman of Microsoft corporation, was equally enthusiastic. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Sure, he uses some Microsoft technologies on his site… everyone does. That’s the whole point.” At this point Mr. Gates trailed off into a series of Gollum-like cackles and mutterings.

Other large web presences have tried in the past to acquire Feralboy.com, including various animal pornography sites, a tea cozy reseller, and Sun Microsystems.

There was no indication at press time as to what changes the Microsoft acquisition was going to bring to Feralboy.com. There probably won’t be any more articles about the Linux operating system, since it’s such a piece of garbage.

###

Also, having seen the video, my favorite part is where her cell phone rings with a really annoying long song, and she goes dashing across the bed to get it, squealing “My phone!”

This, of course, is why friends don’t let friends use MSPaint.

Mad props to Lauren on her first entries (well, not her first entries, if you know what I’m sayin’, but that’s a whole other post), and here’s hoping she has more for me.

In a shocking legal development, John Allen Muhammad, acting as his own attorney, stated that backwards messages on feralboy.com caused him to go on the shooting rampage in the Washington, D.C. area last year.

And another FeralMarketing ad:

Props to Pat for that one.

The sponsorship is paying off, I think. The important thing is where the impression is made – it needs to be in a place that people will pay attention.

Pittsburgh, PA—October 02, 2003—Feralboy.com, a popular internet destination already known for its colorful commentary, has added the “weighty” talents of renowned political pundit Flabby McFatass, otherwise known as Rush Limbaugh.

Feralboy.com founder, CEO, CTO, CFO, EVP, and all-around swell guy Matt Comroe spoke about the powerhouse combination during an interview yesterday from his office’s restrooms.

“Hey, what are you doing in here? I’m trying to take a shit. Can’t you people just give me five minutes of peace? No? Well, to answer your question how about I take this fresh turd and jam it in your [unintelligable]”.

Flabby McFatass (Rush Limbaugh) was equally excited about the new opportunity. “Get that microphone out of my face! No questions, you liberal cur! I said get away from me!!! Unless you happen to have some blues. You don’t have any on you, do you? Are you sure? Man, I’m really jonesing right now.”

In the rapidly growing “disgraced commentator” market, Feralboy.com had already passed up an offer to acquire Michael Savage. Mr. Comroe explains, “Undoubtedly, Mr. Savage is as amazing talent. But he really only covers the knee-jerk homophobia. Feralboy.com needed a hatemonger that brought something more to the table, and as soon as I heard that Flabby was on the market, I knew he was our guy. Racist, homophobic, one-time welfare-recieving welfare-basher, and now pill popper? C’mon, what would you have done? Now will you get the fuck out of here and let me finish taking my shit?!?!”

In addition to assorted punditry, Mr. McFatass is expected to clean feralboy.com’s offices, snake toilets whenever Mr. Comroe has one of his amazing 3-pound psyllium husk-fuelled shits, and go on //shopping trips\\\ to buy //cold medication\\\\.

###

This press release and its attachments contain forward-looking statements that involve risks and uncertainties concerning feralboy.com’s proposed acquisition of Flabby McFatass., feralboy.com’s expected financial performance (including without limitation as described in the quotations from management in this press release), as well as feralboy.com’s strategic and operational plans. Actual events or results may differ materially from those described in this press release due to a number of risks and uncertainties. The potential risks and uncertainties include, among others, the possibility that the transaction will not close or that the closing may be delayed; the reaction of customers of feralboy.com to the transaction; feralboy.com’s ability to successfully integrate Fatty’s immense bulk; and general economic conditions. More information about potential factors that could affect feralboy.com’s business and financial results is included in the Company’s Annual Report on Form 10-K for the fiscal year ended Dec. 31, 2002 and Quarterly Report on Form 10-Q for the quarterly period ended March 31, 2003, including (without limitation) under the captions, “Risk Factors” and “Management’s Discussion and Analysis of Financial Condition and Results of Operations,” which are on file with the Securities and Exchange Commission (the “SEC”) and available at the SEC’s website at www.sec.gov, and will be included in feralboy.com’s Quarterly Report on Form 10-Q for the quarterly period ended June 30, 2003, which will be filed with the SEC in the near future.

Pat 0wnz.

Thanks Pat!